Category Archives: Poetry

A Dream/Poem of Distortion

5539913049_ecbcbcdf7b_bImage Credit: Time Distortion by Mario in arte Akeu. License found here

I leave the room for a minute, and when I return, someone has taken my seat

My brother gives me my plate, not much food on it anyway.

I go into the other room which has mirrors – I see myself, and I look normal

There is a man named Jessie who is eating with us.

I don’t know him. I suspect that he is there with me, but we don’t speak.

He feels like a stranger. But I think he is supposed to be my boyfriend.

I realize I am in a Criminal Minds episode, one that I remember

I am part of the team. We are searching for an unsub, and we have to clear out the room with the mirrors.

But before that, I am back in that room looking at myself in the mirrors and find that my image is distorted.

It keeps changing, like I’m in a house of mirrors where one second my face is huge and distorted,

another my body is super skinny,

then fat,

every time I look

a new distortion.

I find my friend with the long blond hair. It appears she is an extra on the set.

We look at ourselves in the mirror.

I ask her if everything looks normal. She does not notice anything unusual.

I am afraid/know I am losing my mind. I feel myself spiraling into that black hole/hold.

I don’t tell her what I see.

We are now cleaning out a small room which seems to be attached to a garage.

I see a commotion and it looks like the unsub escaped through the sliding garage door.

In the dream, I remember seeing this episode.

I watch as Reid chases after him.

I remember feeling it was strange to be in the episode instead of watching it, only experiencing part of it.

Filming is over and they tell me it’s time to say goodbye to my friend.

I find her in the checkout line in a supermarket and she gives me a post-it note with her contact information.

I remember wondering, being confused about a time loop:

how could this be happening now, if the episode had already aired…

but this hadn’t happened before, so it has to be happening now

I find myself trying to get on to an escalator, but instead of working like usual, it rose straight up instead,

leaving an empty space where the bottom step should have been

I follow another cast member up the stairs/ladder to the right

and when I get to the top, there is nowhere to get off

I feel that someone else is controlling the motion now and I continue up, past people on exercise bikes

the ceiling is getting closer and closer and I have to almost lie down so I don’t get squished

I am now horizontal in a normal sized room, but find that I am strapped into this machine that is pulling me around

I’m trying to escape, only one leg is strapped in

Finally a guard comes over and releases me

I remember almost losing my shoe

I walk around and find that there is a checkout counter where we can buy food/drinks.

I look at the drinks in the case, there is apple juice, orange juice, etc. All only half full, all stale.

There are people crowding around everywhere.I don’t know what’s going on.

I hear people whispering “should we tell her?” I ask someone and she says that there will be an execution.

We are all being led outside, forced to watch. I push my way to the front to get out of there.

There is a man who may be after me.

Once I’m outside, I remember that this is a dream and I try to escape this scenery.

I feel myself start swirling and I find myself lying in some grass.

This place looks very strange. There are huge creatures, the colors are very vivid.

They look like huge stuffed animals come to life.

I look down and realize I am holding a small stuffed animal that I brought through the vortex with me.

I realize it is now alive as I feel its claws dig into me.

I am trying to escape from these giant creatures, and I see something that looks like tree branches coming towards me.

At first I think it is a giant spider, but then a kid pulls on its leash and I realize that is is a giant dragon.

I am thinking “Did I really just escape that prison, only to almost get eaten by a dragon?”

So as remember again that I am dreaming, I decide to walk through a tree.

As I get close, I wonder it if will work, but I truly believe it will.

As I enter the tree, I feel the depth of it, I feel its spirit welcoming me, enveloping me

I move through it slowly and as I exit on the other side, I realize I am on the other side of the house.

There are kids playing outside and when the door opens, I realize that I didn’t escape.

It’s the house of the man who imprisoned me. I want to run, but then think that since it is still a dream

Maybe I should face him.

So I walk inside the open door to the enclosed porch

It is dark outside and I see my reflection in the mirror

I look like a younger version of me

I am wearing a pink T-shirt with writing on it and jeans

A wide brim straw hat is on my head

I find the inside door

Knock

His very small wife answers. She is short and is wearing bright red lipstick. She seems like a caricature.

She recognizes me and says “Oh, it’s you…”

She says that before she lets me in, I have to apologize to her.

I apologize

For what, I am not sure.

Then walk through the kitchen. The woman is now nowhere in sight.

I see two cats playing, one of the looks like my cat. It seems that she used to live here.

I continue on to the living room and a see another cat.

There is a teenage girl coming down the stairs.

I tell her that I am here to see her father.

She says that she will go get him

and I sit down to wait.

I begin to feel myself losing the dream

begin to feel my physical body

I try to hold on, but it is already fading

already gone

and I am no longer there.

I know the man’s name in the dream

In the dream, I have known him before

now I cannot remember


A Tale of Universal Relativity

index

This is a poem I wrote after reading the book shown above. I will post a review soon, but I really enjoyed it. I got it for my dad for Father’s day and we read it together.

A Tale of Universal Relativity

Can we, through the subtleties of poetry

discover the secrets of the universe?

of who we are and why we exist

if we even exist at all

If we look to the implications of modern physics

it seems to say that only nothing is real

that nothing

is real

that we live in an observer-dependent reality

negating the idea of of a True reality outside of us

not that we can’t observe it

but that it cannot exist

 

Who are we in the world of nothing

what then of our experiences

of life

of love

of hurt

and pain

and longing

and grief

of fear

and death

Is there a purpose behind the world of illusions

the world as we know it

according to each of us

 

There must be some sort of overlap

so that we can share a sense of understanding

of love

Maybe our emotions

or love

as Maya Angelou said

is what holds the stars in the sky

 

Maybe the world will end in fire

or possibly in ice

in the words of Robert Frost

 

Or maybe it will not end at all

if it never began

if it always has

and always will

exist

And what of life

and of consciousness

and sleep

and dreams

 

I go to sleep at night, or sometimes day

and visit a different world

one very different, it seems, from the one I usually see

where things seems to overlap

boundaries are non-existent

and nothing is distinct

a fluid universe of probabilities

only vaguely remembered upon waking

I try to create a story

out of the fragments of my memory

the fragments of my fading dreams

 

We start out as a mixture of DNA

a blueprint for a being

encoded in strings of molecules

giving birth to a cell

which grows to form a baby

who is born into this strange evanescent world

where we learn of love

of hate

of pain

and hurt

but also of joy

and empathy

we have experiences

interpret them

allow them to shape our world

 

Once upon a time

my mom told me

she thought she was an alien

I have often felt that way myself

as if I am an observer

learning human ways

And maybe that’s true

that we are all observers

observing the worlds

of everyone around us

 

It has sometimes been hard to tell the difference

between my dreams and this reality

I seem to have a memory

sometime when I was small

of there being a wall inside of our apartment

just high enough to reach the windows

of course I know

it was never there

but the memory is so clear

and maybe it was there

an internal wall

built around me

that only I could see

 

My childhood memories are vague

my memories in pieces

shards whose edges have been rounded by time

or is it distance whose disappearance

causes its velocity to be undefined

 

I look at the child I used to be

all those years ago

now as an observer

an impossibility

my memories shaped

by the person I have become

the one I seem to look at

being somewhat different

from the me I was then

the me that I felt

from the inside

 

We live our lives from the inside

with only occasional glimpses from others

who have a more objective view

we are only ever able to approximate how we seem to others

interpreted back to us

through their eyes

their perspectives

their biases

because maybe

there is no ultimately objective view

and due to incompleteness

we cannot measure ourselves

but only know ourselves

as completely as possible

from the inside

 

Some may call this intuition

some of us are good at following it

some of us have yet to listen

 

There was a time when it saved my mother’s life

she had a feeling and decided to listen

unable to explain why

until we made it home

to find the window shattered

a bullet hole in the wall

 

She told me stories of how she left her body

saw it lying there on the bed

and how if someone had tried to wake her

she would not have been able to get back in

 

There was the time she found her grandmother

knocking at her door

coming to see the baby

born the day she died

fulfilling her earthly promise

to tell her granddaughter

what death was like

and restore the baby’s health

for whom no earthly treatment could cure

 

I was afraid for her before it happened

I could see the signs

She told me to trust her

she knew how to handle it

And I suppose

since she was the adult

I listened

but I was still scared

I was sure he had tried to kill her once before

and was just waiting

for another opportunity

It came a few days later

a week maybe

and I knew

when she didn’t come home that night

when I didn’t sleep waiting for the sound of the gate

but knowing every time

that it wasn’t her

she would not come

 

The next day at the police station

they did not take us seriously

said maybe she just left

I told them they didn’t know her

they said there was nothing they could do

 

I knew I had to find her

had to go back to that apartment

find out if the neighbors heard something

My brother went, since he had not been

but I found that I

could not sit idly by and wait

so I put on a disguise, changed my clothes, my hair

and went to join him

in our little escapade

a ruse to get inside

 

we knocked on every door

to no avail

no one wanted to talk to strangers

no one would come to their door

not until after we broke down the door

and found out what I had known all along

somehow now they opened their doors

for us to call 911

 

I remember the first few words of a note he left

I was not allowed to see the rest

I remember being afraid

that he would come after us too

they found him after a week

as he was about to be released

from the hospital after claiming to be hearing voices

 

Once upon a time

I kept my secrets to myself

kept my heart locked in a castle

only rarely allowing entry

to those I had given a key

never allowing them to see me

barely daring to enter myself

 

But maybe sometimes

it’s okay to open the door

to show you around

maybe it doesn’t have to be

a pandora’s box

where hope is the only thing

that cannot escape

 

As Emily Dickenson says

“Hope” is the thing with feathers –

That perches in the soul –

And sings the tune without the words-

And never stops – at all


Fragments of a Fading Dream

So I’m pretty excited! I’ve been working on self-publishing a book of my writing including some of the poetry that you see here. It will be called Fragments of a Fading Dream and it’s a collection of some of my writing throughout the years on various topics such as dreams, illusion, reality, consciousness, science, love, etc. I am publishing it as an e-book as well as in print and it will be available for purchase via all the major e-reader sites as well as in print on this website and Amazon.com. The cover art is tentative, still working on it… Let me know what you think.

 


The World as ‘I’ Know It

(a poetic interpretation of the Being Human Conference)

There once was a world
and in that world there was an ‘I’
‘I’ have a body and a brain and something called a mind
all of which ‘I’ use to interpret the signals that surround me
these signals tell me that ‘I’ am a human
and that there are millions of others like me
and that they, like me, are human too
and share my world
that they also have bodies, and brains and minds of their own
and that each of these bodies and brains and minds are different
that they interpret the signals around them differently than ‘I’ do
and perceive the world (that we share) differently
can ‘I’ be sure that they really exist
that they aren’t just my mind’s interpretation of the signals that surround me
so ‘I’ learn how to communicate with them
discover some similarities
some differences
share experiences
create bonds
they are as real to me as anything else ‘I’ know

‘I’ know that our bodies work in a similar way
the mirror neurons in my brain allow me to empathize
to see myself in them; to imagine their experiences as my own
to become their reflection
‘I’ am able to trick my brain, even though my mind knows better
to alleviate my phantom pain
my contextual reality, how easy it is to trick the brain
it still believes the illusion, even when the mind is freed

our thoughts and experiences shape our world
how we interpret the information we have been given
they comprise our chosen deception
they are the filters through which we perceive

‘I’ can essentially “see myself see”
which is awareness you see
but ‘I’ cannot see how ‘I’ see
that is the unconscious me
thus ‘I’ cannot see the unconscious me
due to oversimplicity
you see the conscious me
only knows the summary
to understand the full story
would require many more words
than are in my vocabulary
to understand the unconscious me
would require the entire dictionary

‘I’ have been informed that there is a sense of self
that exists within my brain
that ‘I’ project onto this body
but can also be transposed
onto a different body
to trick my brain
into thinking it is me
how is it that my brain
cannot see the holes in its own reality
these are just simple deceptions
that my mind can see through
but what about something more complex
something like my unconscious me
that my mind cannot fully understand
how do ‘I’ know
if what ‘I’ think ‘I’ know
is real
or is my ‘reality’ just a projection
of my unconscious me…?


I open my eyes

to emptiness

searching for pieces of me

lost long ago

and close them

to return

to the only place

that makes sense


My name, you ask

all I know is what they call me

I had a different name once

when I belonged to their world

but those days are distant memories

slowly fading into the fog

These days

it’s hard to tell

the difference

between my reality

and theirs

 


Trapped in this prison

of my own making

searching for

my ultimate escape

because no one

will ever

find me

hidden

in the dark recesses

of your heart